Seeking Fulfillment

I spent a lot of time thinking about my own feeling of fulfillment in life today.  I thought about the things that I need to feel fulfilled and I realized that I wasn't doing a lot of them.  Some people are lucky enough to feel fulfilled in their jobs; unfortunately, I am not one of those people.  On some level, I feel comfortable with my job because I am writing and I am surrounded by great people as well. However, there are other things that are really important to me that I haven't been doing lately and today I tried to figure out why.  I compiled a list of those things and made a promise to myself that I was going to do them.  These things include, but are not limited to the following:

• playing my violin again
• BLOGGING MORE! 
• going to yoga 
• painting 
• volunteering and/or getting involved in a political cause 
• getting outdoors more (hiking, biking, walking, etc.)
• write more and possibly try to get something published

The first one, playing violin, is extremely important to me.  I will never forget how playing an instrument made me feel in high school.  And when I picked it up today, I also realized what an amazing gift it is to be able to read music.  Not everyone gets to learn this skill in life and I am very grateful that I have it.  I think I need to cherish this talent and hang on to it.  I don't know why I avoided it for so long, but for some reason picking my violin up again scared me.  I see so many people that avoid the things that make them happy, but I can't seem to figure out why exactly.  I know that I did feel scared, but I can't figure out why it scared me.  The thought of participating in violin lessons and playing in front of people again still scares me, but I know I need to try.

Lately I've been feeling like something was missing in my life and I couldn't seem to figure out why I was feeling that way.  I am extremely blessed in so many ways at this point in my life. I am surrounded by amazing people who care about me, I love my life in the city, and overall, I am a happy person.  After wasting entirely too much time today trying to figure out what was wrong with me and why I was feeling this void, I realized it was because I wasn't doing the things that I really love, the things that make me feel fulfilled. I'm not sure how these things got away from me.

I think we all want to feel fulfilled in different areas of our lives... personally and professionally.  We seek to feel fulfilled in love, in wealth, in friendship, in our careers, and sometimes spiritually.  And we all also measure fulfillment and success in different ways.  I feel pretty successful in a lot of ways but I need to keep focusing on the things I really need, and the things that make me happy.

I'm going to refer back to this blog, and this list, and make sure I remember these things and how they make me feel when I do them.

Lead with your heart... sometimes it gets confused about what it wants and what it needs, but it will eventually steer you in the right direction. 

I'll Meet You ...

There's a place, in my dreams, where I meet a very special person.  This place is filled with beauty and peace, near calm waters, where when the sun sets, the earth and sky mirror each other.  A small cottage rests on green grass, rugged red shingles on it's sturdy walls.  Gardens surround the cottage with flowers of all colors: purple iris, pink peony, yellow lilies.  A mist rests mysteriously on the top of the water while I wait, my arms hugging my knees on the cool steps of the cottage.  I meet this person at this place when all is lost in the world and I always know that this person will be there for me.  In my dreams, this person is always the same.  It's never a romantic meeting, never lustful.  It's purely comfort and a different kind of love; the kind of love that only comes from years of connection.  This person is my mother. 

I have had the same reoccurring dream where I meet my mother at this amazing place, near a lake or the ocean.  I've never given much thought to this dream and always thought it was Oregon, one of our favorite places.  But I think it's a fictional place.  I don't have dreams about meeting a man there, or a close friend.  It's always my mother.  And I think this place may represent life after death.

Through everything, all of the confusion of life, there's one thing I am sure of... is that my mom is by far the most important person in my life.  I think I dream of this place knowing that no matter what happens, my mom and I will meet at this special place.  We will be together, because this is the kind of love I can depend on.  It is eternal.  It is sacred.

The Garden Isle

I promised I would blog during my trip and haven't posted anything yet!! We arrived Friday night around 8:30 PM Hawaii time. It was pouring rain when we got in and it was night so we didn't see much on our drive.

Our house we are staying at is wonderful. 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, a patio (or lanai as they say in Hawaii). Our first day we walked into the town of Princeville to scope things out. It's a very cute town with little shops! The foliage is amazing here and I can't help but stop and look at all of the trees and flowers!

Our second day, it rained all day. We spent a majority of the day inside and then decided to drive to the south shore, to Poi'pu. We hoped it wouldn't be raining there but it was. It was a very dreary day.

Yesterday was our first day of sunshine and I finally got some sun laying out on the lanai. We made an early dinner here (fish tacos and fresh salsa) and later on went to Hanalei for some appetizers and the best piña colada I've ever tasted!!

Today we are venturing to the south shore again to see the beaches and Waimea Canyon. We are hoping for more sunshine but we are staying on the rainiest island of Hawaii. Sunshine is what we need!!

Attached are some amazing photos I have taken so far! Enjoy!

A beautiful poem!!

I haven't blogged in a while and I apologize! For those of you who actually do read them, sorry I've fallen behind. I'm getting ready for probably what will be the biggest trip of my life to Hawaii! I'll be leaving March 9 and returning March 18! We are staying on the beautiful Garden Isle, in Princeville, Kauai. I plan on blogging my journey from my phone while I'm there so stay tuned!!

In the meantime, I wanted to share this beautiful poem by Eleni Johnson.  She performed this poem and other original poems at the UMD (University of Minnesota Duluth) Women's Studies Department 30th Anniversary party I attended in early February. This poem just really stuck with me because I connect SO much with nature. I also spend so much time worrying about silly things and this poem is a great way to think about all of those little thoughts we all have day to day. Enjoy!!

'Being Human'

Climbing Poetree

By Eleni Johnson

I wonder if the sun debates dawn

some mornings

not wanting to rise

out of bed

from under the down-feather horizon

If the sky grows tired

of being everywhere at once

adapting to the mood swings of the weather

If clouds drift off

trying to hold themselves together

make deal with gravity

to loiter a little longer

I wonder if rain is scared

of falling

If it has trouble letting go

If snow flakes get sick

of being perfect all the time

each one trying to be one of a kind

I wonder if stars wish

upon themselves before they die

if they need to teach their young to shine

If wonder if shadows long

to once feel the sun

if they got lost in the shuffle

not knowing where they're from

I wonder if sunrise and sunset

respect each other

even though they've never met

If volcanoes get stressed

If storms have regrets

If compost believes in life after death

I wonder if breath ever thinks

about suicide

I wonder if the wind just want to sit still sometimes

and watch the world pass it by

If smoke was born knowing how to rise

If rainbows get shy backstage

not sure if their colors match right

I wonder if lightning sets an alarm clock

to know when to crack

If rivers ever stop

and think of turning back

If streams meet the wrong sea

and their lives run off-track

I wonder if the snow wants to be black

If the soil think she's too dark

If butterflies want to cover up their marks

If rocks are self conscious of their weight

If mountains are insecure of their strength

I wonder if waves get discouraged

crawling up the sand

only to be pulled back again

to where they began

I wonder if land feels stepped upon

If sand feels insignificant

If trees need to question their lovers

to know where they stand

If branches waiver at the crossroads

unsure of which of which way to grow

If the leaves understand they're replaceable

and still dance when the wind blows

I wonder where the moon goes

when she is in hiding

I want to find her there

and watch the ocean

spin from a distance

listen to her

stir in her sleep

effort give way to existence

Random acts of kindness

I think the world needs more random acts of kindness. I was reminded of this on my morning bus ride yesterday.

The bus stopped to let someone off and pick someone up. It was a damp, cold morning. The man waiting to get on the bus stood and waited for an elderly woman to get off first. She was having some difficulty so he lent her his left, mitten-clad hand and helped her off of the bus. Not only did this make her smile, but it made me smile too.

Last year on my way to lunch with coworkers, a rushed city worker walking in front of me dropped a dollar. I picked it up and ran after him. He was walking so fast that I ran after him through the courtyard in front of a building, into the building and up the escalator before I finally caught up to him. "You dropped this," I said to him. He smiled and graciously took his dollar from me. "Thanks." And I never saw him again.

I received some criticism from my male coworkers about my dedicated intent to give this man his dollar back, but I didn't care. It may have only been a dollar, but he seemed appreciative and it made me feel good too.

Yesterday evening on the bus ride home, I sat with my headphones on doing my usual Facebook, Pinterest and Huffington Post check-ups when I had a sneeze attack. These are not unusual for me especially when I am surrounded by people in a small area. Something about the combination of smells makes me sneeze every time. So I sneezed. A man sitting a few seats away made a point to say "Bless you" to me. That also made me smile.

Random acts of kindness in this cruel world are heart warming and necessary. Have you committed a random act of kindness lately? You should. It goes a long way.

Love comes in many forms

When you take the time to think about what you want out of life, do you picture yourself achieving them by yourself, or with a romantic partner? I can honestly say that I don't picture myself with someone when I think about the things I'd like to do in my life. I picture myself accomplishing them alone. I'm not saying I'm not open to the idea of doing these things with a partner in my life, but I don't need this person in order to feel fulfilled.

As a little girl, I don't remember having pretend weddings or dreaming about one day wearing a beautiful white gown and walking down the aisle. The only dream I remember having was working downtown Minneapolis when I grew up and being a big city girl. And here I am, living in Minneapolis and working downtown. I never had any big ideas about love. I didn't dream about my Prince Charming. I can't say that I never think about getting married. I have thought about it. But is not my goal in life to get married and make babies. I think several women think that they need to get married and have children because if they don't, society will judge them or their family and friends will judge them. I think this is a new era where women can choose to get married if they find someone they want to make that commitment to; and if not, that's completely okay. 

When my mom was a little girl, she sat near the shores of Lake Superior and dreamed of having the perfect husband and having children. She felt like having kids was her purpose in life and she knew early on that it was what she needed to do. When she met a handsome older man at a party as a teenager, she was smitten. She thought that he was her chance for love, marriage and children. Unfortunately, it didn't turn out to be a fairy tale. It was far from perfect. She spent the majority of her marriage in fear. She wasn't loved the way she should have been; not the way she had dreamed of. She had my brother first and then had me two years later. After enduring years of pain, she divorced my father. A new life waited for her, and maybe new love. Maybe the kind of love she had always dreamed of. I saw my mom get her heart broken many times. I saw her learn time and time again that the men she found could not give her the kind of love she deserved. I saw too many tears. 

My mom is 51 years old now and for the first time in her life, she feels happy and content. She has a job that is satisfying on many levels and opened a non-profit organization that focuses on using art as a healing tool for victims of domestic and sexual violence. She has found her purpose on life. It isn't to find love from a man, but to give love to others. She has changed people's lives, including her own. 


Growing up with this woman as my mentor has made me the person I am today. I didn't enjoy watching my mother get hurt, but I know now that romance and love are not my purpose in life. I have a much bigger purpose, as did my mom. She couldn't be happier with her children and she learned from the mistakes she made. Every path we go down in life leads us to where we are for a reason. If I end up finding love, that will be great. I will embrace it with open arms. But if I don't, I am completely content living my life on my own. I have so many wonderful friends and family members that fill me up with all different kinds of love. It doesn't always have to be the romantic kind. I'm not going to spend my days searching for love from a man. I'd rather spend my days searching for love in other ways and giving it back in any way I can. Because love comes in many forms and all forms are fulfilling on so many levels. 

           Lead with your heart... <3

Addicted to LOVE?

Let's be clear up front... the title of this blog does not apply to me. It applies to several of my friends and I'm writing about it because I am having a hard time understanding it.

I am going to get real for a minute. I haven't really been in love. I certainly thought I was a couple of times but I think that true love is when another person gives a part of themselves to you... I never had that happen. I was always giving all of myself to them and just hoping and waiting for them to give something in return. In every scenario, it never happened. I think love is about giving and receiving equally and when it isn't equal, it turns into a disaster. I made a decision a long time ago that I wouldn't give myself fully to someone who wasn't giving me equal emotion, affection, and honesty in return.

I'm not saying I haven't made mistakes when it comes to matters of the heart. I'm notorious for getting into situations where I'm not fully appreciated and being okay with it for far too long. But for the past two years, I haven't even allowed myself to get fully invested in these men because I knew they would leave me hanging eventually. I knew that they would never give me what I wanted and what I truly deserved.

At this point, it's simply a waiting game. I want to wait until I do find someone that is going to give equally to me and is going to appreciate me for all that I am. I no longer want to waste my time with someone, blindly hoping that they will change for me. Because 99.9% of the time, it just doesn't happen. No one changes unless they really want to. I've learned that in life and I've learned it in love.

I have so many friends that are wandering the earth just searching for love. Trying to find that one person who will make them feel complete, who will make them feel adored and needed. I have that in me to find that, but I don't believe I'm searching for it. I watch so many of my friends jump from one relationship to the next, truly believing for a while that each one is "real love." What I see is a whole lot of heartache and tears. I wish for my friends to take a step back and actually try and figure out what they really are searching for. Are they searching for love? Or are they looking to someone else to fill the hole within them that they should be filling themselves?

I don't believe we can truly give ourselves fully to another person until we fill the holes we have inside ourselves, by ourselves. It's normal and natural to try and fill those holes with another person, but usually it doesn't work out. I've spent so much time alone learning what I like about life, what I want to do with it, where I want to go, what I want to see, and who I want to see and I still don't really know if I feel fully satisfied. I'm still not sure I could give myself fully to another person and I've been single for 2 years! I still feel like I have holes I need to fill on my own.

I love my friends and I want to support them but I wish they would focus more on what they want out of life rather than trying to find the answers in a partner. The answers should be found on your own. Take time to reflect, take time for yourself... make dinner for yourself, go get a pedicure, spend time with your friends, with your family, with your pets if you have them. You'd be surprised how much you enjoy your own company! Everyone feels that natural need to share a life with someone, to have a partner in life, but I say why not make yourself your partner first? Put YOU first... because we only live once and I feel like life is too short to put all of our energy into one person.

So for those of you reading this, even if you are in a relationship, make a list of things that you really want to do. And go do them! If possible, find your balance and fill your holes with someone but don't be afraid to just admit that you need some time alone. Time alone is healthy. Time alone to reflect is probably where clarity is achieved the most.

Leading with your heart doesn't always mean to lead your life with matters of the heart such as love. It can mean to let your heart lead you to the real YOU too... to find a balance and happiness without a companion! If you've never tried it, please try it!!! You'd be pleasantly surprised.