F-Head Kitten!

Most cats are lazy. The life of a cat usually involves these four daily tasks: eat, sleep, poop, lick butt. A ray of late afternoon sun shining through the window onto the floor or bed is a perfect spot for a cat to sprawl themselves out and sleep the day away. Maybe they will find themselves a nice perch on an open window and watch the chirping birds outside before they take a long snooze. My cat Phoebe is a completely different breed of cat. I think she may be mentally handicapped.

The daily life of Phoebe involves these numerous tasks: eat, drink out of the toilet, coo, meow, drown toy mice in the toilet, drink out of the bathroom faucet, drink out of the kitchen faucet, dig an old toy out from under the couch or stove, scratch couch, coo, meow, sleep, scratch mattress, climb in shoeboxes under the bed while mom tries to sleep, scratch chair, make loud, obnoxious scratching noises in the litter box after pooping, get turd stuck on butt due to ingested hair and drag butt on floor leaving turd for mom to pick up, lick butt, eat random crumb on the floor, eat regular food, throw up regular food in the corner because random crumb didn't sit well, meow at mom when she gets home, meow at mom while she gets ready for bed, meow at mom while she tries to sleep, bring toy mouse into mom's bed and drop it on her pillow meowing until she throws it, sit at the end of the bathtub and meow at mom while she showers, lick dirty plates in the sink, eat regular food, throw up regular food in the corner because contents from licked plates didn't sit well, sleep on mom's pillow, throw toy mice around the kitchen, coo, meow, lick whatever mom is cooking when mom turns her back, drink out of the toilet, clean ears and back, climb to the highest shelf in the closet and knock mom's things over, knock water glass over, drown toy mice in toilet, sleep in kitten bed, coo, meow, eat, and repeat.

You might say that she is "quirky" or "special" and you'd be right. She is those things. She's also very difficult to deal with. Tonight I really reached a breaking point with Phoebe and I don't think I've ever been so angry with her! Every Friday at my work we have "Breakfast/Treat Day" where someone brings something in the morning to eat. Usually I bring something bought at the store. Lately everyone keeps bringing these fantastic homemade dishes and I really felt like I needed to up my game with the Friday treats. I found a recipe for cream cheese danish and went to the grocery store to buy the ingredients. Today was a lovely spring day, sunny and 64 degrees, birds chirping, snow melting and I really was feeling all kinds of cheerful, happy feelings. I prepared the danish while Phoebe looked on, trying to sneak a taste every time I turned my back. I'm not really sure when she decided it was okay to jump on the table and stick her nose where it doesn't belong, but she's been really terrible lately. She got her dirty little tongue on the bowl of cream cheese filling but it was AFTER I had already finished preparing it in the pan. Although upset, I didn't punish her too severely because I had already put it in the oven. After 20 minutes, my cream cheese danish was done baking and it smelled and looked lovely!! I set it out on the counter to cool. I turned my back for no more than a minute and caught Phoebe licking the top of the danish. She licked about 3" off the top of my lovely, fresh, golden brown cream cheese creation! I screamed. I screamed at her and grabbed her by the scruff of the neck and yelled "NO PHOEBE!!!!" She flinched. I felt bad for scaring her and put her down. But the anger was still brewing inside of me. I sat down on the couch. She curled up next to me and started to purr. I can never stay mad at her for long and I hate that!

And the thing is, cats don't learn! You can't train them! You could scare the hairy turds right out of them and they'd still lick your cream cheese danish. While she laid next to me purring, curling her head upside down and peering up at me with those big innocent green eyes, I immediately wanted to pet her and snuggle with her. But I was still so mad!!! I had to cut the piece that she licked out and throw it away. Tomorrow I will have to explain the big empty space in the pan to my coworkers telling them that I did NOT eat the danish myself, but my stupid cat did!

Although tonight I think Phoebe is a giant F-head (and I'll probably call her that for a few days), I know that tonight when she curls up next to me on my pillow, nuzzling her face on my cheek and licking my eyelids, I'll tell her she's cute and that I love her.

I'm still waiting for her to puke in the corner from the cheese danish she ingested. It's coming. I know it.

Attached is a photo of my F-head kitten. Don't be fooled by her cute, innocent face... she will eat your cheese danish too.

Lead with your heart.