A new kind of loss

I've experienced a number of changes in my life over the past three months. The one thing I didn't expect to change was my employment status. In August, I was offered an amazing position. I felt honored to be chosen. I felt like my career was finally starting, I finally would make enough money to be comfortable. Everyone seemed great... at first. A group of wonderful women were on my team, supportive and sweet, so it seemed. I was new to the field and had a lot to learn. This type of writing was not something I had ever done before and I felt they knew there was a learning curve. The training process was minimal, I was basically thrown into the work on my second day on the job. Unfortunately, I experienced a lot of life changes, including the loss of a loved one and I missed a few days of work. After that happened, I was under a microscope. I was expected to always be in the office, to never leave early, and to never work from home. Suddenly I felt like I was being treated like an hourly employee, fresh out of college, rather than the experienced professional I am. My confidence dropped, every mistake I made felt like another piece of straw that would eventually, break the camel's back. Although my simple writing mistakes were a learning curve in my eyes, each and every one was filed and put away...another negative piece of feedback to add to the pile. On what seemed like a normal day at the office, only 3 1/2 months into my position, I got ready to meet with my boss for our weekly one-on-one. She acted like it was a regular day, brought her usual notebook and made her usual small talk. This time we met in the conference room down the hall, usually it was in someone's empty office, where we could speak privately. When I walked in, the head of the department and an HR rep sat in the room, waiting. That's when I knew. My boss had given up on me. She proceeded to tell me that my employment had been terminated, effective immediately. I was to take my things and go home. I couldn't look her in the eye, because I just felt so angry. I felt unfairly judged, not given a fair chance, and most importantly, totally blindsided. They gave me 4 weeks of pay to make up for the unexpectedness, the blindsiding, the fake encouragement. It didn't help. Over the next few days, I went over my every move in my head and tried to figure out what I could have done differently. I'm a good writer, I got positive feedback from everyone on the team, from clients, and even from my boss. I made a few mistakes, but I felt that was expected, not ever being in this field before. The more I thought about it, the more I realized it just wasn't a good fit for me. I struggled to impress my boss from the very beginning; to connect with her professionally and personally. It was like talking to a wall most of the time. She didn't want to offer personal conversation and I experienced very little professional talk and feedback. She just didn't like me. Just a week before this happened, I asked her what I could do to be a better employee, what could I do to be successful? She said, "Just be here. Continue to be here." I should have known then that she had already made up her mind about me. I had been there. I had been there every day. I stayed late when I needed to, I got the work done, never missed a deadline. Nothing I could say or do would have changed her mind about me. So, now I struggle with how to deal with this new kind of loss. I have never been let go of a job before, in my 15 years of working. I've always had a job. It makes you doubt yourself in every aspect, your skills as a professional and yourself as a person overall. It's a huge blow to the ego. I struggle to find confidence to perform well in my future positions, as well as to find that connection with your coworkers, who you spend a majority of your time during the week with. I doubt my personality, my way of handling things, my writing skills, everything. I've had nightmares about my boss, that feeling of trying to push through a wall that will never budge. I feel angry, I feel sad, I feel shocked, I feel doubtful about my future. I've heard from others how this goes and how it feels, I just never expected it to happen to me. All I can do is pick up the pieces and try to move on from this experience. But it really is a new kind of loss; one I never expected and still am trying to navigate through. I'm still digging through the damage of this experience, trying to find the reason behind it. It's there, I just can't see it yet. Some day I will look back and be thankful my boss made this choice. Right now, it's just a bunch of blurred feelings and reasoning. All in due time.