There's No One Like Mom

We encounter so many people on our journey through life. We meet new friends, we fall in love, we fall out of love, we fall out of friendship. Family is the one thing I think we should always be able to count on. In particular, we can count on our mothers. Our mothers brought us into the world, they protected us, they took care of us when we were sick and held us when we cried. As we get older, relationships with our mothers change. Some of us are lucky to still have a mother. (My heart goes out to those of you who lost your mothers.)

And sometimes instead of them always taking care of us, a time comes where it's our turn for us to take care of them. I experienced this recently. For the first time, my mother needed me to take care of her. After having emergency surgery back in December, I was forced to put myself into a position that was not only extremely difficult, but almost felt unnatural to me. Seeing my mom lying in a hospital bed in pain, in fear, and in serious need of me to step up and be there for her, was harder than I ever imagined. To hold her hand while the nurses changed her dressings and looked at her stitches and to hold her hand while she cried because she was scared was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But this is the circle of life. They take care of you and then you have to take care of them.

That brings me to my current blog, while I take the place of my mom in her big bed in the home I grew up in, and she lies in a hospital bed after having a difficult surgery. I really am not a fan of hospitals. No one likes hospitals. They hold some kind of lingering sadness within them, the eyes of almost everyone you pass glazed over with stress and fear. And then you pass those lit up with the happiness of new life being brought into the world. It's this strange place where life begins, life struggles and life ends. A part of me knew that my mom would be okay but sitting in that waiting room, I couldn't help but be overwhelmed with uneasiness. Trying to occupy your time and your mind while waiting to hear that the most important person in your world is safe is one of the most stressful things to have to go through. After I finally saw her and knew she was safe, I grabbed her hand and she squeezed mine knowing it was me without ever opening her eyes. She couldn't talk to me; she could only lie there in pain and try and sleep. Usually my mom's snoring problem is one thing about her that drives me absolutely nuts. But at that time, there was nothing recognizable about my mom.  Her hair was pushed back from her face, a defined wrinkle on her forehead, which resulted from her straining in pain, her skin pale and sweaty, a tube come from her nose... not even a glimmer of her cheerful spirit and her quirky sense of humor. Listening to her snore brought me this overwhelming sense of comfort because it was the only normal thing about her at that time.

No one wants to see those they love in pain. No one wants to see them sick, weak and needy. As a very emotional person, I never thought I'd handle it as well as I have. I'm not sure if it's the adrenaline or if it's just because I'm stronger than I think I am, but suddenly having this switch in roles (me as the caretaker instead of the one being taken care of) was easier than I thought it would be. I knew that my mom needed me to be strong for her, as she was for my brother and I for so many years, and unconsciously, I just did it. Even during the loneliest, toughest moments, I managed to keep my tears contained. I think I can thank my wonderful mother for this.

She is doing as well as can be expected after an extensive surgery. And I know that this won't slow her down. But if it does, I'll be there ready to hold her hand again.

Lead with your heart. I truly believe it will never steer you in the wrong direction.

Don't judge me!

Judgment is a tricky thing. You never want to be judged by other people, yet you find yourself judging others constantly. I experienced this tonight. I was quickly judged by a guy who I really liked. After one night of drinks with friends, one official date and an analysis of my Facebook profile, this guy thought he had me all figured out. After our date he informed me that not only was it a problem that I consider myself a liberal, but our personalities do not match and he did not see a future. As an honest person myself, I really did appreciate his own honesty. However, I immediately felt judged. I could feel my face flush and burn red while he spoke these words to me and my BIG heart sunk so low that I almost gagged. I felt that his decision was made somewhat hastily and that he judged me without getting to really know me. We all have different opinions about what makes a relationship work, but I don't necessarily think that a couple needs to have everything in common to make it work. In fact, I think it would be pretty damn boring to date someone who is exactly like me because I'd never learn anything. I agree that to some degree, there are things that can't be worked out. But I've met couples where one of them was a Democrat and the other was a Republican. My brother is an atheist and his wife was raised Catholic. These things can be worked through. I feel that I wasn't given a fair chance.

But here's the funny thing. I've done the same thing to guys. I've gone on dates with several guys and one particular thing they said bothered me to no end where I didn't even consider giving them a second chance. I immediately wrote them off in my head based on one thing they said. So am I not just as bad as the guy I was bitterly rejected by tonight?? And maybe even worse considering I never expressed my feelings OUT LOUD? I do admit that I always consider giving the guy a second chance but I rarely follow through with that sentiment. What I am taking from this lovely night of rejection and a little humiliation is that I need to give people a TRUE fair chance before I judge them.

Being judged tonight is exactly what finally brought me to this blog. I've been thinking about starting a blog for a long time but never pushed myself to do it. Tonight I had so many thoughts I felt I needed to share. I don't even care if absolutely no one reads any of these because it truly makes me feel better to write it. And oh, did I mention I am a writer? I'm a full time technical writer in the world of consumer lending which does not leave much room for creativity or emotion. So here I am with my big heart and my big blog in the city of Minneapolis.

Moving on to the "big heart" thing... I used this as my name and title of my blog tonight because I feel like it truly explains who I am. I do have a big heart. It's filled with too much emotion, too many thoughts... it's one big over analyzing, over caring, overbearing monster that often leaves me feeling confused and lost in the world. I wouldn't change my big heart for anything but it does seem to get me into trouble. What I've learned in this completely screwed up, crazy, chaotic world is that not many people appreciate big hearts. Everyone has their own agenda, their own path, whether it be to make a million dollars, to gain power over someone's life or emotions, to get married and have children, to buy a house... whatever it may be. But some people, while completing their agenda and walking down their path just don't care who they hurt along the way and are immune to the hurt that is inflicted upon them. I am the complete opposite. There are some things I can brush off, but most forms of rejection, ridicule and - you guessed it - judgment really takes a toll on me. And it seems that I keep searching for people who understand this, who appreciate it, who don't look down upon it, and come up with zero results. In a nutshell, as they say, this is what this blog will mostly be about... my adventures in this crazy world and crazy city with my big heart. I hope whoever reads it (if anyone) will enjoy it.

I will end all of my blogs with one of my favorite quotes that I heard a yoga instructor say in a class one time. "Lead with your heart." I think we all should really live by that motto. But as I said, I'm really feeling like I'm few and far between.

Good night and be well.