Love is love.

I didn’t grow up in a loving, happy home with two straight parents who loved each other unconditionally. It was dysfunctional, scary and hard. I was mainly raised by my mother, who worked hard every day to give us the things we needed and to create a happy, loving home. I still spent time with my dad, but he was never there for us, emotionally. However, the one thing both my parents did agree on was that you always treat others the way you would want to be treated. So with that, and my parent’s unhealthy relationship, the idea that gay couples in loving relationships getting married is somehow going to ruin marriage and what family means, was completely incomprehensible to me. I’ve been a huge supporter of gay rights since I was old enough to truly understand it all. And my logic and upbringing always spoke to me: you treat others the way you would want to be treated and some things are just right or wrong; black or white. When I developed relationships with people in the gay community, this became even more evident to me. These are people. People who love, dream, hope, and live like everyone else. When the gay marriage bill appeared before the floor of the Senate in St. Paul, I listened in on the conversation (or argument, at times). It went back and forth, supporters speaking and people against it speaking. My heart wavered, as the people speaking against it spoke with what felt like such ignorance, anger and hate in their hearts. I couldn’t comprehend living in a state where this exists so strongly and I had to believe that Minnesota would come out on the right side of history. I found myself holding my breath at times, waiting to hear what the next speaker would say, if they would speak ignorantly or if they would really understand what it was all about. In my core, I had to believe that Minnesota was going to stand with equality, and that eventually the rest of the country would soon follow. What kind of world are we living in, if we don’t head in this direction? If we don’t stand for equality and the pursuit of happiness for all people? The thoughts consumed me and really scared me to the point of nausea. When it passed, I felt like I could breath again and my faith in humanity and my faith in Minnesota was restored. Now in Minnesota, people in loving, committed relationships are able to solidify their commitment in front of their friends & family, legally for the first time. Some of these people have been in relationships for years, and even already had weddings & commitment ceremonies that weren’t recognized by the state. Now this recognition exists. And even though this recognition has always existed for me, as a straight person, I couldn’t be happier for these people. Because that age-old saying always applies whether on the streets of Minneapolis, or in the eyes of the law: treat others as you would want to be treated.

A new kind of loss

I've experienced a number of changes in my life over the past three months. The one thing I didn't expect to change was my employment status. In August, I was offered an amazing position. I felt honored to be chosen. I felt like my career was finally starting, I finally would make enough money to be comfortable. Everyone seemed great... at first. A group of wonderful women were on my team, supportive and sweet, so it seemed. I was new to the field and had a lot to learn. This type of writing was not something I had ever done before and I felt they knew there was a learning curve. The training process was minimal, I was basically thrown into the work on my second day on the job. Unfortunately, I experienced a lot of life changes, including the loss of a loved one and I missed a few days of work. After that happened, I was under a microscope. I was expected to always be in the office, to never leave early, and to never work from home. Suddenly I felt like I was being treated like an hourly employee, fresh out of college, rather than the experienced professional I am. My confidence dropped, every mistake I made felt like another piece of straw that would eventually, break the camel's back. Although my simple writing mistakes were a learning curve in my eyes, each and every one was filed and put away...another negative piece of feedback to add to the pile. On what seemed like a normal day at the office, only 3 1/2 months into my position, I got ready to meet with my boss for our weekly one-on-one. She acted like it was a regular day, brought her usual notebook and made her usual small talk. This time we met in the conference room down the hall, usually it was in someone's empty office, where we could speak privately. When I walked in, the head of the department and an HR rep sat in the room, waiting. That's when I knew. My boss had given up on me. She proceeded to tell me that my employment had been terminated, effective immediately. I was to take my things and go home. I couldn't look her in the eye, because I just felt so angry. I felt unfairly judged, not given a fair chance, and most importantly, totally blindsided. They gave me 4 weeks of pay to make up for the unexpectedness, the blindsiding, the fake encouragement. It didn't help. Over the next few days, I went over my every move in my head and tried to figure out what I could have done differently. I'm a good writer, I got positive feedback from everyone on the team, from clients, and even from my boss. I made a few mistakes, but I felt that was expected, not ever being in this field before. The more I thought about it, the more I realized it just wasn't a good fit for me. I struggled to impress my boss from the very beginning; to connect with her professionally and personally. It was like talking to a wall most of the time. She didn't want to offer personal conversation and I experienced very little professional talk and feedback. She just didn't like me. Just a week before this happened, I asked her what I could do to be a better employee, what could I do to be successful? She said, "Just be here. Continue to be here." I should have known then that she had already made up her mind about me. I had been there. I had been there every day. I stayed late when I needed to, I got the work done, never missed a deadline. Nothing I could say or do would have changed her mind about me. So, now I struggle with how to deal with this new kind of loss. I have never been let go of a job before, in my 15 years of working. I've always had a job. It makes you doubt yourself in every aspect, your skills as a professional and yourself as a person overall. It's a huge blow to the ego. I struggle to find confidence to perform well in my future positions, as well as to find that connection with your coworkers, who you spend a majority of your time during the week with. I doubt my personality, my way of handling things, my writing skills, everything. I've had nightmares about my boss, that feeling of trying to push through a wall that will never budge. I feel angry, I feel sad, I feel shocked, I feel doubtful about my future. I've heard from others how this goes and how it feels, I just never expected it to happen to me. All I can do is pick up the pieces and try to move on from this experience. But it really is a new kind of loss; one I never expected and still am trying to navigate through. I'm still digging through the damage of this experience, trying to find the reason behind it. It's there, I just can't see it yet. Some day I will look back and be thankful my boss made this choice. Right now, it's just a bunch of blurred feelings and reasoning. All in due time.

The thing about love songs...

I've come to a realization about love songs.  They used to invoke this emotion in me, leaving me feeling sad, lonely and confused.  Particularly, Adele's song, "Someone Like You,"  and all songs about those brokenhearted and searching for love.  That song, especially, used to kill me, every time I heard it.  I felt like I couldn't breathe when I heard that song, all kinds of feelings welling up inside of me.  It was like that song was about every single person I had ever dated, and how they all had broken my heart.  But some day, I would find someone.  I ached for that.

Recently, the song came on the radio, while I rode in my car alone.  I cranked up the sound and waited to feel that same heart-wrenching, lump-in-my-throat emotion.  But what I felt was relief.  The song didn't make me feel emotional anymore.  It made me feel happy for once.  Because I finally had found that special someone.  Not just Adele's song in particular, but all of the cheesy, lonely, love songs used to make me feel so upset. And usually, I'd feel emotional about the particular douche bag I was pining over at the moment.  Hoping that some day, they would feel that same emotion for me.  It never happened, and I knew it wouldn't.  None of them ever truly saw me for me. 

And at the time, when I was listening to these songs, did I ever really think I would listen to them one day and not feel those same tough feelings?  Absolutely not.  I had hoped for it, but I don't think I really believed it myself.  But I had to believe that being in love meant never feeling lonely; never waiting anxiously for the other person to say what you always wanted to hear.  And it certainly wasn't tossing and turning in bed while your "significant other" chatted and flirted with other girls on Facebook in the next room.  Or finding someone else's underwear in your "significant other's" bed after making love to him.

I'm not sure why it took me so long to realize that none of those things are love.  I'm not sure why I thought that I could make these men love me.  It should always come naturally.  I made a vow to myself a long time ago that I wouldn't be with someone who didn't love me for who I was; someone who was always honest and open with me, even when we disagreed.  And I found that person.  It came so suddenly and unexpectedly, but that is what love is.  It's patient but comes when you least expect it.  It's hard but always worth it.  It's rewarding and fulfilling, even on the hard days.

I still love those songs that used to make me feel so lonesome.  But they don't make me feel lonely anymore.  Those songs are for someone else now.

Seeking Fulfillment

I spent a lot of time thinking about my own feeling of fulfillment in life today.  I thought about the things that I need to feel fulfilled and I realized that I wasn't doing a lot of them.  Some people are lucky enough to feel fulfilled in their jobs; unfortunately, I am not one of those people.  On some level, I feel comfortable with my job because I am writing and I am surrounded by great people as well. However, there are other things that are really important to me that I haven't been doing lately and today I tried to figure out why.  I compiled a list of those things and made a promise to myself that I was going to do them.  These things include, but are not limited to the following:

• playing my violin again
• BLOGGING MORE! 
• going to yoga 
• painting 
• volunteering and/or getting involved in a political cause 
• getting outdoors more (hiking, biking, walking, etc.)
• write more and possibly try to get something published

The first one, playing violin, is extremely important to me.  I will never forget how playing an instrument made me feel in high school.  And when I picked it up today, I also realized what an amazing gift it is to be able to read music.  Not everyone gets to learn this skill in life and I am very grateful that I have it.  I think I need to cherish this talent and hang on to it.  I don't know why I avoided it for so long, but for some reason picking my violin up again scared me.  I see so many people that avoid the things that make them happy, but I can't seem to figure out why exactly.  I know that I did feel scared, but I can't figure out why it scared me.  The thought of participating in violin lessons and playing in front of people again still scares me, but I know I need to try.

Lately I've been feeling like something was missing in my life and I couldn't seem to figure out why I was feeling that way.  I am extremely blessed in so many ways at this point in my life. I am surrounded by amazing people who care about me, I love my life in the city, and overall, I am a happy person.  After wasting entirely too much time today trying to figure out what was wrong with me and why I was feeling this void, I realized it was because I wasn't doing the things that I really love, the things that make me feel fulfilled. I'm not sure how these things got away from me.

I think we all want to feel fulfilled in different areas of our lives... personally and professionally.  We seek to feel fulfilled in love, in wealth, in friendship, in our careers, and sometimes spiritually.  And we all also measure fulfillment and success in different ways.  I feel pretty successful in a lot of ways but I need to keep focusing on the things I really need, and the things that make me happy.

I'm going to refer back to this blog, and this list, and make sure I remember these things and how they make me feel when I do them.

Lead with your heart... sometimes it gets confused about what it wants and what it needs, but it will eventually steer you in the right direction. 

I'll Meet You ...

There's a place, in my dreams, where I meet a very special person.  This place is filled with beauty and peace, near calm waters, where when the sun sets, the earth and sky mirror each other.  A small cottage rests on green grass, rugged red shingles on it's sturdy walls.  Gardens surround the cottage with flowers of all colors: purple iris, pink peony, yellow lilies.  A mist rests mysteriously on the top of the water while I wait, my arms hugging my knees on the cool steps of the cottage.  I meet this person at this place when all is lost in the world and I always know that this person will be there for me.  In my dreams, this person is always the same.  It's never a romantic meeting, never lustful.  It's purely comfort and a different kind of love; the kind of love that only comes from years of connection.  This person is my mother. 

I have had the same reoccurring dream where I meet my mother at this amazing place, near a lake or the ocean.  I've never given much thought to this dream and always thought it was Oregon, one of our favorite places.  But I think it's a fictional place.  I don't have dreams about meeting a man there, or a close friend.  It's always my mother.  And I think this place may represent life after death.

Through everything, all of the confusion of life, there's one thing I am sure of... is that my mom is by far the most important person in my life.  I think I dream of this place knowing that no matter what happens, my mom and I will meet at this special place.  We will be together, because this is the kind of love I can depend on.  It is eternal.  It is sacred.

The Garden Isle

I promised I would blog during my trip and haven't posted anything yet!! We arrived Friday night around 8:30 PM Hawaii time. It was pouring rain when we got in and it was night so we didn't see much on our drive.

Our house we are staying at is wonderful. 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, a patio (or lanai as they say in Hawaii). Our first day we walked into the town of Princeville to scope things out. It's a very cute town with little shops! The foliage is amazing here and I can't help but stop and look at all of the trees and flowers!

Our second day, it rained all day. We spent a majority of the day inside and then decided to drive to the south shore, to Poi'pu. We hoped it wouldn't be raining there but it was. It was a very dreary day.

Yesterday was our first day of sunshine and I finally got some sun laying out on the lanai. We made an early dinner here (fish tacos and fresh salsa) and later on went to Hanalei for some appetizers and the best piña colada I've ever tasted!!

Today we are venturing to the south shore again to see the beaches and Waimea Canyon. We are hoping for more sunshine but we are staying on the rainiest island of Hawaii. Sunshine is what we need!!

Attached are some amazing photos I have taken so far! Enjoy!

A beautiful poem!!

I haven't blogged in a while and I apologize! For those of you who actually do read them, sorry I've fallen behind. I'm getting ready for probably what will be the biggest trip of my life to Hawaii! I'll be leaving March 9 and returning March 18! We are staying on the beautiful Garden Isle, in Princeville, Kauai. I plan on blogging my journey from my phone while I'm there so stay tuned!!

In the meantime, I wanted to share this beautiful poem by Eleni Johnson.  She performed this poem and other original poems at the UMD (University of Minnesota Duluth) Women's Studies Department 30th Anniversary party I attended in early February. This poem just really stuck with me because I connect SO much with nature. I also spend so much time worrying about silly things and this poem is a great way to think about all of those little thoughts we all have day to day. Enjoy!!

'Being Human'

Climbing Poetree

By Eleni Johnson

I wonder if the sun debates dawn

some mornings

not wanting to rise

out of bed

from under the down-feather horizon

If the sky grows tired

of being everywhere at once

adapting to the mood swings of the weather

If clouds drift off

trying to hold themselves together

make deal with gravity

to loiter a little longer

I wonder if rain is scared

of falling

If it has trouble letting go

If snow flakes get sick

of being perfect all the time

each one trying to be one of a kind

I wonder if stars wish

upon themselves before they die

if they need to teach their young to shine

If wonder if shadows long

to once feel the sun

if they got lost in the shuffle

not knowing where they're from

I wonder if sunrise and sunset

respect each other

even though they've never met

If volcanoes get stressed

If storms have regrets

If compost believes in life after death

I wonder if breath ever thinks

about suicide

I wonder if the wind just want to sit still sometimes

and watch the world pass it by

If smoke was born knowing how to rise

If rainbows get shy backstage

not sure if their colors match right

I wonder if lightning sets an alarm clock

to know when to crack

If rivers ever stop

and think of turning back

If streams meet the wrong sea

and their lives run off-track

I wonder if the snow wants to be black

If the soil think she's too dark

If butterflies want to cover up their marks

If rocks are self conscious of their weight

If mountains are insecure of their strength

I wonder if waves get discouraged

crawling up the sand

only to be pulled back again

to where they began

I wonder if land feels stepped upon

If sand feels insignificant

If trees need to question their lovers

to know where they stand

If branches waiver at the crossroads

unsure of which of which way to grow

If the leaves understand they're replaceable

and still dance when the wind blows

I wonder where the moon goes

when she is in hiding

I want to find her there

and watch the ocean

spin from a distance

listen to her

stir in her sleep

effort give way to existence